Coping
by xScarletxInkx
Summary: How do you cope when years of your life are stolen from you to feed the desires of sick men, only to be given back by a total stranger? Well, this is how Andrea McNally coped with it. I know I can be so very evil and this hit me hard I couldn't not write it. Rating change.
1. Years in Hell

Rookie Blue

Sam Swarek & Andy McNally

Rated T

Romance/Hurt/Comfort

Written By: xScarletxInkx

Disclaimer: I own nada!

**Coping**

Summary: How do you cope when years of your life are stolen from you to feed the desires of sick men, only to be given back by a total stranger? This is the story of how Andrea McNally coped.

**Prologue: Years in Hell**

My name is Andrea McNally, Andy for short. People have told me I have lived a very hard life; what with my mom leaving me at the tender age of 14 and my dad turning to the bottle to cope, but the truth is, they don't even know the half of it.

Three days after my 15th birthday my boyfriend at the time had been hanging out with his older brother Anton Hill. I knew that some of the things they were into were likely to get me into a lot of trouble, but at that point in time I just didn't care. I was a rebellious teen. My tongue had been pierced for a year by then and my hair had undergone several wild color changes. We skipped classes and pulled pranks on our teachers. I didn't care because my dad didn't care; if he wasn't at home passed out from drinking he was at a bar or at work.

One night my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go out, his brother was hosting a party at a club and he wanted me to go with him. I said yes, it was the worst possible answer I could have given, because after that night my life turned into a living nightmare.

We arrived at the club and his brother came over to me and said that all of the ladies were in the back room while the men got everything ready. I believed him and as I walked through the door two men grabbed me and through me in a cage with five other girls my age.

Two hours and three girls later, they loaded us cage and all into a truck. After what seemed another hour drive and we were unloaded into a warehouse. There were cages full of girls every where. But there was one particular cage that stood out from the rest it wasn't on wheels and the girls that were in it were practically naked.

They started sorting through us; pulling us one by one out of the cage and checking everything right down to how healthy the roots of our hair were. Most of the other girls were shoved in other cages a young blonde girl and I were taken to another room and forced to change into the clothes the girls in that one cage were wearing.

Once we were changed they dragged us back in the room with all the cages, there in the center of the room right outside of that cage with no wheels. They lined us up in the middle of the circle of men. What happened next still gives me nightmares, I can't even vocalize the ways they tortured us that day.

Every month and sometimes every other week they would move us to a new house. I can't tell you how many times we were moved, drugged and placed in a new stall for new men to come a 'partake' of us. I lost count of how many men came by my stall, I felt like cattle, like we would never be in control of our own lives. On my 18th birthday we were moved to one of their newer houses; new house new man. But this man was different he screened the men that came in, he feed us three times a day, and worse of all he treated us like human beings. I can't remember the last time I was treated as anything more than cattle, it made me cry again for this life of mine, I would never be free of it, and if I ever did it would only be in death.

Two weeks after we arrived at this new house there was a police raid, the man in control didn't even try to hide us. He opened the door for them and chatted congenially. When I saw the police come passed my stall, I couldn't suppress my relief and my fear… My fear of returning to that other world and how I would cope in it. My father, Tommy McNally, was a cop and a drunk, part of me thought he probably didn't even notice my absence, which only made me even more depressed.

The man in control of our future came to my stall and handed me a sun dress and told me to come with him. I followed him putting on the dress, unconscious of the fact that several people could see my nakedness, he walked up to who I assumed was in charge or the raid.

"Boyd, this is the girl I told you about, the one I thought was Tommy's daughter."

"Good job, Sammy, Tommy will be overwhelmed to know we found her. Good work," The man named Boyd told the man I was following.

"Your going to go with Detective Boyd, he's going to take you to the hospital to get checked out and there we will get you statement and find your family." Sammy turned to me and smiled while ushering me into a car.


	2. Unwanted Flashbacks

**First I want to say thank you to everyone who reviewed. Your reviews are whatgot this chapter out today. I'd also like to dedicate it to my cop friend, without whom I would not be here.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue. Although I would like to own Sam Swarek.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1: Unwanted Flashbacks**

Five years later and one grueling year in the academy I finally made it onto the police force. Ever since that fateful day I was rescued by that undercover cop from that hell hole I've wanted to be a cop to help other girls who somehow found their way into the position I was in.

Now I finally have that chance; not directly going in and getting them out, but by being there to make sure they're never taken in the first place.

Well today's my first day on the job I'm excited, yet terrified in the same breath. Ha what am I saying I was almost late to parade this morning, and to top it off my radio was on the wrong side of my uniform. Imagine my embarrassment when my T.O., Officer Shaw, pointed it out then proceeded to give me the, what I'm sure is by now, usual rookie-T.O. speech. I couldn't help that my mind flashed-back to another speech I heard eight years ago as a scared little girl going into an unknown world. Almost like I am now, but this time I'm somewhat in control and I'm not a little girl I'm a young woman able to defend myself.

***Flashback***

I'm sitting in the corner of the cage furthest away from the door a tall man with wide set shoulders and inky black hair stands at the door. He's talking to us but I try and tune it out, try and let blackness take over my mind and hope that when I wake up again this nightmare will be over. After a couple of minutes I give up trying to escape and listen to what he's saying.

"…remember girls as long as you do as your told and don't fight back you'll be just fine. If you decide you want to have a mind of your own, you'll end far worse off than that bitch there." I see him gesture towards me and I cringe back in myself and look away from all the eyes that turn to me.

I see him turn back to the other men, "Get them out and ready for branding."

***End Flashback***

We drive around the city, my dad used to drive me around here after he got off work, when I was a little girl, said it was so that if I was ever in any trouble I would know how to get away. Guess we found out the hard way that doesn't always work.

A call comes over the radio for a domestic disturbance, Officer Shaw tells me to answer it. The lights go on and off we go.

We're outside the residence talking to the woman who called it in, when we here a shot ring out. Officer Shaw calls for back up and we go in. When we get to the apartment where the shot came from there was a young girl laying on the floor not breathing. The only thought I had was not again.

***Flashback***

I've just been shoved into one of the stalls lining the walls when a man follows me in after he's holding a syringe and coming closer to me. I scream and try to run, but another man comes in after him and grabs me holding me down. The man with a syringe stuck it in my arm and expelled the contents into my body, I started feeling very drowsy and I couldn't move my limbs. I felt the men let go of me and I tried to push past the fog to run but I couldn't move.

It became a reutine the men would come with the syringe everyday sometimes more as we started getting used to it. Until one day they overdosed a girl and pulled her past me to who knows where. I heard them talking about whether or not they should continue dosing us. I remember three days went by where we weren't dosed, by noon on the first day whether we were supposed to be 'entertaining' a man or not, not a moment went by were one or more of us were asking for more of what was in those syringes begging them to give it to us. Even fighting our 'guests' off of us in an attempt to get more.

***End Flashback***

While Officer Shaw went to check the rest of the house I knelt down next to the girl and began giving her mouth to mouth hoping to be able to save her. Officer Shaw came back into the room talking into his radio asking for a bus.

Officer Shaw sent Tracy Nash, my friend from the academy, and I to clear the rest of the building. We were told that the shooter we are looking for is white, average hieght, greasy black hair, black shirt and jeans. We went together clearing the apartments, guns drawn. We came to the last two apartments deciding she would take one and I would take the other.

I knocked on the door and called out "Police" waited a few moments, when no one answered the door I bashed it in. Holding my gun in front of me like a life jacket I looked at what I just walked in on. Two men sat by the window one counting out money. That one matched the discription of the shooter, but he also looked strickingly like that cop from years ago, I froze even as I told them not to move.

***Flashback***

Two weeks after we arrived at this new house there was a police raid, the man in control didn't even try to hide us. He opened the door for them and chatted congenially. When I saw the police come passed my stall, I couldn't suppress my relief and my fear… My fear of returning to that other world and how I would cope in it. My father, Tommy McNally, was a cop and a drunk, part of me thought he probably didn't even notice my absence, which only made me even more depressed.

The man in control of our future came to my stall and handed me a sun dress and told me to come with him. I followed him putting on the dress, unconscious of the fact that several people could see my nakedness, he walked up to who I assumed was in charge or the raid.

"Boyd, this is the girl I told you about, the one I thought was Tommy's daughter."

"Good job, Sammy, Tommy will be overwhelmed to know we found her. Good work," The man named Boyd told the man I was following.

"Your going to go with Detective Boyd, he's going to take you to the hospital to get checked out and there we will get you statement and find your family." Sammy turned to me and smiled while ushering me into a car.

***End Flashback***

They dashed out the window and down the fire escape, by the time I had followed them I just caught a glimpse of the second guy turning the corner. I followed them and turned the corner gun first, "Police, don't move." I started towards them, "Up against the fence. NOW!" They moved against the fence hands above their heads. I holstered my gun and the man with the greasy hair turned and ran I hurriedly chased after him and tackled him to the ground.


	3. Partners?

**Hey, I hope you guys like this. I really want to know what ya'll have to say, good or bad.**

**Quick shoutout: jh126- Thank you for your review on "What are partners for?". It means alot and I really appreciate the concstructive criticism it helps make me a better writer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue, but I'm searching all the auctions for Sam Swarek.**

**Chapter 2: Partners? **

I have now been working at the 15th division for a month. I thought I knew all of the officers here, but then _he_ just had to walk back into my life. I thought I had seen the last of him when he knocked me unconscious as I was trying to arrest him.

***Flashback***

I had just tackled him to the ground and was getting ready to put the handcuffs on him when he flipped me off his back and started getting up, I was faster though and managed to get a hold on him before he could get to far, throwing him back to the ground. At this point the other guy had run off, I was determined not to let them both get away.

"I'm sorry about this really, but I gotta do it." That was all I heard before my world went black.

When I came to again I was still in the same spot and the sun had gone down. I slowly picked myself up and looked around. No one was anywhere near me, so as gently as I could I walked back to the scene to see cops everywhere, even more than when Tracy and I went in to clear the building.

It wasn't long before I found Shaw bent over the trunk of one of the squad cars looking at what seemed to be a search grid. "Sir, what's going on here?"

"We're looking for McNally, you already know that rookie." I waited a moment before he looked up, "McNally! Where the hell have you been; we've been searching for you for hours." He took a step closer to me and tilted my chin this way and that I guess trying to get a good look at the injury I just realized I must have gotten from the greasy haired bastard.

***End Flashback***

After him getting the jump on me I had determined that no, the man I almost arrested was not the man who rescued me when I was a teen. There was no way he could be the man who rescued me, that man was caring and compassionate, he was a gentleman… and I look forward to the day I'm able to thank him for saving my life, until then I just had to keep searching. And seeing the 'greasy haired bastard' walk into the parade room in uniform to cheers from our coworkers was not helping me like him any better. I just turned back to the front of the room and waited for the cheers to quiet down so we could get to work.

"Alright, alright everyone settle down, yes we're all excited to have Officer Swarek back in the fold, but we still have work to do. Save the celebrations for the Penny tonight. By the way Swarek if you survive this shift and I have a bottle of scotch waiting for you." Everyone laughed at that throwing him winks and clapping him on the back, before Best took control of the room again. "Ok, now down to business. Tonight we're doing a 'John Sweep' we're going to be putting our rookies out on the streets for fresh faces. I hope you girls can act. Diaz you'll be out there with them, you're posing as a gay prostitute." The look on Chris's face is priceless as Best tells him this and we all get a good laugh out of it. "Alright I want Jones, Estrada, and Whickers on the street standing by the arrest the johns. Swarek tonight you'll be with Shaw and Barber in the control room coaching them. Alright serve, protect, and stay safe."

With that we filed out of the parade room and Tracy, Gale and I head back into the locker room. Pulling out some of the clothes from Tracy's trying to decide what to wear I can't help but feel a sense of dread. I'm not sure if I can really do this not after what happened, but I don't want to disappoint anyone. And besides that I don't want to look weak in front the whole division by backing out of the sting. I don't know what to do other than but on the outfit I picked out and trying my best. I just hope I don't screw up too royally.

Screwing up was the least of my worries, freaking out should have been what I worried about even more. The first john that came up to me tried to grab me and I couldn't help it. I flashed-back to the first time they forced a man on me and I couldn't break out of it I just kept seeing him ripping my clothes off and forcing his way inside of me. I guess I was screaming and crying because the next thing I knew Officer Swarek was above me with his arms wrapped around me.

"It's ok. It's ok come on let's get you out of here. Nothings going to happen come on let's go." He pulled me up off the ground and walked me back to the control room and I sat the rest of the sting in there with Swarek hovering over me.

I don't know what changed in him, but he was the epitome of the perfect gentleman making sure I wasn't going back into shock. As nice as to be looked out for; it was I still not enough for me to forgive him for knocking me unconscious. For all I care he's still a greasy haired bastard, I'm just glad I wont have to work with him as he's not a T.O.

"McNally, in my office now!" I heard Sgt. Best yell across the pen as we all walked in. I sent a look at Tracy trying to tell her I'd be alright as she put her hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me. "Swarek get in here too."

We walked into his office and shut the door behind us. "McNally you want to tell me what in the world happened out there tonight?" Best looked at me expectantly.

"I don't know. I was ready to do the sting tonight, but when that guy reached for me… I just don't know what happened." I shook my head d looked down at my feet; I couldn't look them in the eye.

"I don't think it was a reaction she could control, Frank. It took me 10 minutes to bring her out of the panic." Swarek chimed in. I wish he had kept his mouth shut; I didn't need him making excuses for me.

"I don't care what it was Sam; I don't want it happening again. Maybe sense you were the one to bring her out of it you should take over her training. In fact that's exactly what your going to do, say hello to your new partner Swarek." He gestured over to me with a smug smile on his face, when I looked up at Swarek he looked gob-smacked or a moment before he regained control of his emotions and looked calm again.

"Well, rookie looks like we get to work together from now on, can't wait." He held out his hand for me to shake, I just grabbed his hand and then let go of it and stormed out past him.

"Looks like you've got your work cut out for you," I heard Best tell Swarek as I closed his door behind me.


	4. Interim

**I know it is inexcusable how long I have made you guys wait, and I know this chapter is just a filler and a bit of a dissappointment. I swear I've rewritten this chapter like eight times, It just never came out right, and this has made me the happiest out of all the rewrites and I felt guilty keeping you guys waiting. Well, you guys can keep in contact with me on twitter **_ xScarletxInkx_** and I'll keep you posted on how it's coming and give ya'll little tidbits of what's to come in my stories. Also if you check my profile I'll be posting previews of all up coming chapters for this story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue, but I'm closer to coming up with a plan to own Sam Swarek, or I'll settle on meeting Ben Bass.**

**...and without further wait.**

**Chapter 3: Interim**

I have been dating Detective Luke Callaghan for just over a month now. He has been pressuring me into sleeping with him now for a little over a week. I've told him how I feel about it and a part of why I feel that way, but it doesn't seem as though he's listening to me, although he says he understands he doesn't always act that way. It's only gotten worse though, since I've started riding with Swarek; it's like he's determined to show me how great he and I could be, whether I'm ready or not.

***Flashback***

I have been out if the hospital for three weeks now and I've been studying to get my GED. I want to move on from these past three years and forget them, as hard as that concept may be. I'm lucky enough that I don't have to sit in a class with strangers, I couldn't handle that. So, instead I go to the school and grab the work I have to do for the week and spend the first day of the week doing all the work and then I spend the rest of the week talking to my therapist, trying to work up the courage to walk out of my house without my dad with me. I'm 18 years old I should be off in college getting on with my life, learning to be independent, but instead I'm too scared to step out of my house just incase they come looking for me.

***End Flashback**

I don't know what to do, I want to be ready to move forward with Luke, I really care for him, but at the same time I don't know if I can trust him with that part of me. Especially after this last case we worked on together. He acted like Benny wasn't even a person, just another piece of wayward evidence that needed to be recovered. I'm almost ashamed to say I was appalled at his attitude when we found out that Benny didn't make it through the surgery. When I dropped off the bullet and all he asked was if I wanted to get a drink at The Penny later. I nearly slapped him then and there, but I held back as best I could only berating him a little bit.

***Flashback***

I looked down at my left hip bone, where they burned an 'H' on my skin three years ago. It's still ugly and red, and sometimes I can still feel as it was burnt into my skin, when they pressed the white hot brand into me, I can still hear myself scream until I passed out from the pain. I don't want anyone else to see this, it's absolutely ugly and they'll never understand. I've been ruined for any sane man. I may as well stay in this house better than letting someone else hurt me.

***End Flashback***

Swarek has been slowly trying to apologize for knocking me out cold that first day. It's been interesting riding with him, to say the least. Even though for the last case Swarek and I weren't partnered together, he had my back. Even let me borrow his truck to go and pick Benny up, but after everything was said and done and I had finished with Luke and was about to storm out of the barn, he stopped me and asked if everything was ok. That was more than I had even expected out of Luke and then he asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I wasn't sure what to say, I had used up most of my steam yelling at Luke just moments before, that I couldn't think of what to say, so the first thing out of my mouth, "What do you know about plumbing?" I could have slapped myself right there, but it was already out there and I was already climbing up in his truck.

***Flashback***

My therapist suggested I start taking self-defense classes, and go down to the gun range. She thinks that maybe if I feel like I can defend myself I would be more willing to take the first step of becoming independent. She wants me to start walking around the block by myself at least once a day. She said it's ok if I only go when my dad is home as long as I go at least once a day. So, I have a self-defense class every morning at 8 and then after that my dad and I go to the range and I shoot off three clips at a target. Then while my dad gets ready to go in for his shift I walk around our block. Then I spend the rest of the day practicing what I learned that morning in class.

***End Flashback***

That night I had more fun than I had in ages. Swarek kept me laughing all night as he fixed Marie's sink, she even gave us a little smile and offered dinner. I was about to accept her offer when Swarek looks up and says, "I think your sink is working I'm going to go turn the water back on; I'll let you know when to try the tap." With that he walked out.

"You know Andy, I like him." Marie gave me an appraising look, "I think he might be good for you, better than that detective you were here with earlier."

I froze and gave her a deer in the headlights look when Swarek walked back into the room. He looked at me and chuckled then turned on the tap. It ran smooth and no leaks from underneath, I admit I was impressed. A man who can fix a sink right and is a gentleman. Although the next words out of his mouth were not that impressive.

"Alright, well, sink is fixed. If you don't mind, Marie I think I'll just shut McNally's mouth and take her out to get something to eat." He then lifted my jaw with his index finger like he was closing my mouth, gave me a smile and guided me out of the house with a hand in the middle of my back.

***Flashback***

We've been following this schedule of the last three months, I feel comfortable enough with being able to defend myself that I know walk to the station with my dad and back home by myself before going to the grocery store to get what I need to make dinner that night. I'm still uncomfortable in the grocery store sometimes, because of all the men that were in there, but I'm getting better. I don't flinch away from them anymore so I think that's a huge improvement. I just won't let anyone touch me.

***End Flashback***


	5. Why?

**I have no excuse for the lateness of this post. I hope you like it... I know it gets kinda dark and it's not the best ending. Yes, I do know I'm evil... I seem to always be in an evil state of mind when writing this story. For updates follow me on twitter xScarletxInkx**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Why?**

***Flashback***

I've just been informed that I passed the test! I now have my G.E.D. I can do anything I want with my life now.

I decided the day I was rescued that I would do everything in my power to stop other girls from living in the hell that I had been subjected to for the past three years. So, the only way I can think of to accomplish that, is to become a cop and to stop them from being taken in the first place. So, here I am, on my dad's couch waiting for him to stroll through the door in whatever state of drunkenness he's managed to achieve tonight, so that I can ask him about joining the academy. I'm eager for his opinion on my choice, I'm hoping that he'll be as excited as I am about where I want to go with my life.

It's almost four in the morning when I wake up to the door slamming. I jump up startled awake by my dad stumbling into the living room barely coherent. I decide to wait until after he's had a chance to sober up a little bit before I talk to him about it. So, I walk him back into his bedroom and help him into bed. After he's tucked in and fast asleep I clear the path to his bathroom and make sure the toilet seat is already up. Two glasses of water sitting on the sink next to two Tylenol, for after he's done puking his guts out, and after I finish setting up the bathroom for him I do a sweep through his bedroom and closet, confiscating any alcohol that I find and pouring it down the drain. When I'm done cleaning up after him, I make my way back to bed to try and get more sleep before I have to deal with his hangover.

When I wake up the next morning it's to banging around in the kitchen and cursing. I went out to the kitchen to see my dad searching for something, most likely the booze I had poured down the drain last night. "Dad, it's all gone. I threw it out." I tell him as I begin making breakfast for the two of us.

"Why the hell would you go throwing out perfectly good alcohol? I could have drank that!" My dad yelled back at me obviously upset.

"Because you need to stop drinking it; it's going to kill you one of these days." I reply in an icy tone, placing the instant cinnamon rolls in the oven.

"The hell I do Andy! I'm the parent here not you, and because of that I get to make the decisions and you have to deal with them. If you can't deal with that then o find somewhere else to live." And with that he was storming out of the door without looking back. I knew deep down that he didn't really mean it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I wanted so badly to tell him about my plans, but after this I don't even know if he'll be happy for me.

With that in mind I pack a bag and grab the newspaper from the table where my dad left it. Walking out of the same door he just did a few minutes ago, terrified of what I was about to do, but proud of myself for having the courage to do this.

I left my dad's about a year ago, we talk every once and a while over the phone, but I don't see him in person anymore. I told him about wanting to be a cop and he had told that it was the stupidest thing I could have ever said. That hurt that he thought I couldn't handle it. That hurt a lot.

I've been going to school taking online college classes getting my AA, working towards getting into the academy, and working as a waitress in the local bar. Traci, one my co-workers, and I pulled together to get a small flat, we both want to be police officers and I think she would make a great one, one day. She has a beautiful baby boy, Leo, he's about one and a half years old and he is so curious. He's always getting into things he shouldn't and I constantly catch him in my room playing with my shoes.

I met this guy, Matt, at work today. He came into the bar and sat down and started talking to me. He's cute you could say, definitely knows how to talk to a woman. He's polite and he asked me out. I talked to my therapist about it and she thinks it's a good idea for me to start dating. Who knows I might even get over my irrational fear of being touched this way.

Matt took me to a dinner and a movie tonight; it was a lot of fun. We went to a small Italian restaurant and had dinner there, and then we went to go see a movie at the local theater before he took me home. I didn't even flinch back when he leaned in for a goodnight kiss. That has to be a good sign, right? Well, whatever it is, Traci seemed stoked about it and I can't wait for the next date with Matt.

Matt and I have been dating for two years now, and I couldn't have been happier. He had proposed to me last night and I said yes. We were so happy and looking forward to our future together. He had even said he couldn't wait to see me pregnant with his kids, but today all those dreams came to a halt. Today Matt was murdered while on his way to work. Some thug stabbed him as he ran past trying to escape the police. I feel like the world has stopped again.

***End Flashback***

I shot someone today! I know it was life or death, but I shot someone today. I can't get over that fact. I shot a man today and Luke left me here home alone during a city wide power outage after I shot a man, so he can go and _volunteer_ to work the case of the man I shot. He just left me here, alone; after I shot a man today. I should have talked to Swarek. I should have let him take me home and help me through this. I should never have pushed him away; never have overlooked him. He's always right there when I need him; I'm always his first priority.

I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands, dead eyes stare up at me from the ground and I stop breathing for a moment. When I'm able to catch my breath again, I know what I have to do. I have to get out of here. I have move, I need to move, to run. I have to be any where else but here.

Before I know it I'm out the door and running through the darkened streets; passing kids and small backyard parties. How can people celebrate tonight? A man lost his life; little girls were used by him and then killed. I shot him. Faster! I need to go faster. Make a right here, it's close – he's close. Just one more block, I just have to make it one more block before I can fall apart.

I'm on his front step; knocking. A flash of light, brief and then he's there in the doorway. "McNally… Andy, are you ok?" He looks confused and concerned. It's a great look on him.

"No." I shake my head and look up into his eyes, I see the care and concern there.

"Do you want to talk?" He reaches forward just a little but it's just enough for me and I surge forward pushing him against the wall my lips on his. He's stunned for just a moment and then the door is shut and he's pushing me up against it. Sam's lips brush over mine again gently at first and then more demanding, I need this, I need to feel alive so I answer him and deepen the kiss. His hands are roaming my body running up and down me, brushing the sides of my breasts gently. His hands make their way to my back and he's pulling my legs up around his waist. His hands dip below my shirt and start making their way up until it's over my head and somewhere on the floor, his shirt quick to follow. I immediately begin to explore the smooth expanse of newly exposed flesh memorizing every dip and defined muscle I can reach.

Then we're moving down the hall towards what I think is his bedroom, but his lips are on mine again and thinking goes out the window. I feel his bed beneath my bare skin and his heat above me. He's moving against me and I can feel the delicious heat from him through our jeans against my core, the friction brings me back to my enslavement and I push him away, "I can't, I can't. Not again." It comes out in a whisper, but I'm sure he heard me.

In the week that followed I saw Luke twice, but I didn't see Sam at all. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement; I was severely disappointed, I wanted to talk to Sam and find out where we stood. After that night I couldn't get him out of my head, I know nothing happened, but I could see myself being truly happy with him. I know he wouldn't pressure me the way Luke does, but if I do leave Luke, I want to know I'm not hurting him for nothing. I really care about him, and I hate to see him hurt, especially by me.

Luke has decided that after work today we're going to his fishing cabin, to celebrate my return to work. Before I even really consider going up there with him I have to talk to Sam, find out what's going on with him. Even if Sam doesn't want anything to do with me, I think it would be best to break it off with Luke, after all he wasn't the man I had on my mind and in my dreams for this past week and that's not fair to him.

When I walked into the barn this morning my eyes scanned the people milling around, when I finally saw him Luke was talking to him, what about I couldn't fathom at the moment. I made my way towards him, but Sam started to quickly make his way into the men's locker room. I managed to catch up to him and ask him about that night; all I got in return before he took off again was, 'It was what it was' what the hell is that supposed to mean anyways.

After shift, I walked into the Penny waiting on Luke to come pick me up. We're still going to his fishing cabin, as according to him Sam said I was all his. Well, that may be, but I need to break it off with him. If I don't I won't be being fair to him or myself.

I walked up to the bar to order a beer before I have to go, Sam is sitting there staring straight ahead of him, right now I can't deal with him, I have to deal with Luke before I can even begin to start tackling the problem that is Sam.

Sam turned towards me and looked me over before saying, "Andy, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you earlier. I should have been there for you."

"Yeah, well, you weren't. But don't worry about it; you've made everything perfectly clear." I tell him just as Luke walks in and spots me. I wave at him and Luke and I left.

The next morning on our way back into the city, I asked Luke if we could talk. I figured there was no way for either of us to run from this conversation if we're driving.

"Luke, we need to talk."

"Talk about what, Andy?"

"About us; I don't think this is going to work out. Maybe we need to take a break for a while." I looked at him from the corner of my eye as I took a deep breath.

The look on his face was murderous when he turned to look at me, "I think things are going great," then pulling over, "And by the time we're done talking here you will too."

I didn't know what he meant by that statement, but it scared me. When he turned off the engine and stepped out of the car. He came around to my side and opened then door, I had my seatbelt off getting ready to get out when he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out of the car. Holding onto me so I was standing at an odd angle looking up at him he said, "I suggest you listen real well, Andy; we are not going to be taking a break. We will not be mentioning this conversation to anyone else. And you will distance yourself from Swarek outside of work." After that he threw my too the ground and before I could get my bearings he was on top of me choking me. "If you decide to disobey me, I will give you much worse than I have time for today. Understand this Andy, you are mine and no one else will ever have you. Do you understand?" I could barely nod my head but when I did he let go of my neck. I reached my hands up to massage it trying to take the sting out of it. "If I catch you near Swarek outside of work I will kill him. Now, get in the car, we're late for work now thanks to you."


	6. Freak Out

**Chapter 5: Freak Out**

Traci and I decided to have a girl's night out, and I decided to tell her about my hook up with Sam and I thought about telling her about Luke's threat, but I couldn't bring myself to admit the shame that came with the pathetic weakness that I felt. So, I let her make assumptions and tell me how great Luke is - right. Then at the end of her speech she pulled out a mason jar and a post-it note.

By the time she left I had a jar with Sam Swarek's name in it in my freezer and a new aspiration to be girlfriend of the year. Her thinking is that he's good for me and won't hurt me; I didn't have the heart to tell her he already has. My thinking is that if I do pull off this girlfriend of the year routine Luke won't have a reason to hurt me again. So, after shift today I got Luke to promise to come over to my place for dinner. I told him I would cook dinner for him and we could forget all about the trip to his fishing cabin.

Luke got to my place a bit earlier than we had agreed on so I was still in the middle of cooking dinner. While I was putting the roast in the oven he was helping himself to a glass of scotch and helped himself into the freezer to get some ice. It only occurred to me after he shut the freezer and moved across the kitchen from me, what it was that he would find sitting front and center in a jar of frozen water. My hands started to tremble as I stood up to face him.

"What is Sam Swarek's name doing in your freezer?" I could tell by how tense he was that Luke was holding back a lot of anger, "Is he the reason you won't have sex with me? Are you fucking him?" He started walking towards me with jerky movements and controlled steps. I took a step backwards and hit the counter. When He finally reached me, he wrapped his arm around me turning off the oven then grabbing my arm with enough force to leave a large hand-shaped bruise.

"Luke, I don't know what you're talking about; Swarek is nothing to me." I tried to calm him down. But instead it only served to have him throw me into the refrigerator hard enough to stun me. Before I could gain my senses again he was on top of me on the floor, straddling my legs and gripping my wrists above my head.

"If you're willing to sleep with him, then you should be willing to sleep with me." I felt his hands grip my breast through my shirt and bra and I went rigged then I shut down.

***Flashback***

Anon Hills face is hovering over me he's just finished pulling his clothing off and ripping mine from my body. I try and fight him off but he's too strong and I can feel the bruises forming where ever he touches me forcing my legs apart, holding my hands down gripping my waist to keep me from twisting away from his grip. Next thing I feel is the tip of his shaft as it nudges my entrance and then the pain as he forces himself in me and breaks my virgin barrier.

***End Flashback***

I was still laying there on the ground an hour after Luke had finished with me, he was still here talking – well yelling actually - to me. I don't know what he said I couldn't focus on anything but what he just did to me. The fact that he forced himself on me – inside me – that he could violate my trust in him in such a way, this man before me is nothing of who I thought he was when we first met.

He's getting dressed now I see his lips form the words 'Goodbye, I love you,' as he walks out the door. I couldn't get out of that room fast enough; the moment the door shut behind him I began putting what clothing wasn't in shreds. I couldn't believe my life has come to this, I'm afraid of what Luke will do next.

So I passed my recertification – barely. Now, I get to go on a 10 hour round trip road trip with Swarek, who is barely looking at me, let alone speaking to me. Plus I have to be careful not to she how badly Luke hurt me last night, my abdomen still feels like it's on fire. I can only see disaster in the forecast today, if I don't screw up some how then I'll let on to how injured I am – though I doubt he would even notice, or Luke will find a reason to hurt me again.

Three hours into this thing and I'm still nervously babbling while I'm sure he's just praying for me to shut up. Honestly I can't help it, when I'm tense I just talk about anything. Finally he pulled into a diner, probably hoping I'd be quiet with food in my mouth.

It doesn't work and I think he's disappointed as I keep trying to make conversation with him throughout our lunch; until halfway through when I finally threw in the towel. Swarek chose then to try and put forth some effort. I couldn't help but laugh as he called over our waitress and made some ridiculously lame out-dated jokes to cut the tension between us. As my laughter died down I had to fight the urge to grip my stomach because of the radiating pain shooting through it from all the laughter, I really wish I could take a pain killer with out having to explain why I need it, but I'd rather not risk that he'll suddenly clue in. That's the last thing I need; to look weak in front of him because I couldn't fight off my own boyfriend.

The prisoner we're transporting is very… congenial. He keeps talking which makes me feel like I should talk back to him. Swarek keeps telling me I need to stop talking to him, but I've always had a hard time ignoring people, especially if they're being nice.

We're stopped on the side of the road and Swarek has left me alone with the prisoner in the car. The moment Sam was out of sight Ray Donald Swann went into a seizure; I panicked and opened the door, before I knew what hit me he disappeared into the woods. A few minutes later Swarek came back; to say he was angry would be a massive understatement.

After he calmed down enough to actually go and search for the guy, we split up to try and cover more ground as there were only a few more hours of daylight. With my luck I should have known better than to go off alone, Ray found me before I found him and I wound up with him straddling my waist choking me.

* * *

So, so so so very sorry for having let this sit so long. I hope this was worth the wait. Please review.


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